Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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