I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
