god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
