Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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