at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
