Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
