I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
