What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
