I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
