Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
