i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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