I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Someone shattered a urinal.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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