i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
