Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
