I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
