I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
