He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
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