I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
He is an equal opportunity slut.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
