Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
