You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
