Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
