somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
