I can text with my tongue
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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