I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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