She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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