in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I need a beard to bite.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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