Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Enjoy the penises
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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