Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
