God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
