WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
