Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
