i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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