I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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