I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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