apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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