Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
