Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
