I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
