you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
