there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
