He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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