are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
