he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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