she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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