Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
bring money and cleavage
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
