Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
