highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
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