I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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