can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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