I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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