He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
