Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
