First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
